Double Exposures

I woke up early and couldn’t go back to sleep. Lots of thoughts running through my head. Some work-related, some personal. These early morning hours are some of my very favorite though. It’s the only time of the day that I have completely to myself. The house is dark, quiet, with only the sound of light snoring coming from the pug upstairs. I light candles, pick up my computer and do one of two things - edit pictures, or write. When I edit, I don’t have to think about whatever it is that’s keeping me up at night. I can let go and create something beautiful that I love. Fulfill a creative need. Lately, I’ve been playing with double exposures.

Writing, it’s the harder work for me to do.

Sometimes I have no clue what to write about. When I put my words on paper I have the habit of going back over them multiple times to make sure that what I’m thinking is coming out right. Today I’m just letting it spill over. No idea what will come out exactly. Don’t know if I’ll even post this, but for some reason, it feels good to write this morning.

I’ve been thinking about parenting a lot lately. It’s hard. You never know if you’re doing it right or wrong and for sure, at least half the time it’s got to be wrong, right? My girls are so utterly opposite of each other and trying to steer them into the direction of the people you want them to be is flat out impossible. And frankly, I’m not sure how right that is anyway. Why should they be the people we want them to be? Shouldn’t they be the people they were born to be? Striking the right balance between those two things is tricky.

My oldest, the rule follower, my people-pleaser. She reminds me of me as a teenager. She’s easier for me to navigate because I understand her. I can relate. The youngest? No clue where she comes from or how to navigate her. I find myself yelling at her most days, and then regretting that I yelled. She marches to the beat of her own drum with what seems like little concern for my feelings, completely confident in the decisions she’s making. I find myself trying to knock her down a peg to keep her humble. She thinks she knows so much, but she will fight to the death, I tell you. Even when proven wrong, she won’t admit defeat. She’s strong, she’s brave, she’s fearless. She just might rule the world one day.

The incredible weight of being a parent is mind-blowing. Nobody is ever going to do it perfectly. I find comfort in knowing that we’re all just doing the best we can. As a parent, you want so much for your kids. You want them to have more than you did. More happiness. More success. More. More. More. But that will all ebb and flow, as life happens, and more will sometimes be less, and then hopefully it will become more again. In the end, what I want them to know is that they are my greatest joy in this life, and that my love for them is infinite. I want them to know that even when they are breaking my heart in half, which I’m sure will happen many times over during the course of their teenage years, that they are truly the reason I feel like I was put on this earth. They are the best thing I’ve ever done, and the best thing I’ll ever do.

I love you both forever and ever and ever.

xoxo,

-Mom